Tell Me I’m A Wreck

It’s December 30th. There’s always something about this three days, 3oth, 31st and then 1st Jan that is melancholic. Maybe it’s because the fact that another year has gone by slams into my face, or just because school’s going to reopen in a few days time. I’m in a cafe near my house. Usually at the start of the holidays, there will be more students around. But today, it’s just me and a few adults. There’s less than 5 people here. Which is weird. I guess all the other students decided, fck it I’m not doing any more work till school reopens. 

But, well school is such a bitch. Making everyone scramble to prepare for tests during these last few days. I wish, sometimes that I could be one of those people who will just screw the tests and have a blast these few days. But I just can’t. I think it’s ingrained into me, that I have to ace each test (although things have been rough going these few months). 

And my parents call me a happy-go-lucky kid…. 

sidebar, I am craving udon very badly.someone be a kind soul and buy some for me.

yeap, incoherence is my middle name. Okay, back to (hopefully) productive work 

11:01

oh good I Remember (guess what, favorite ballad song doesn’t even have my favorite member in it, the irony…) and drinking warm water put me into a very nice state where i want to write. This two days have been filled with my family having an extra strong desire to get photographed, and well, since it’s a group shot obviously I have to be in it. And I can’t seem to stop looking like an ugly blob in any one of those photos. 

I don’t think it’s a problem with me being un-photogenic, it’s just I’m ugly. Simple as that. My eyes are too small and so is my mouth, but when I smile my face looks like a puffed up pastry. 

like literally out of all the people I’m friends with, I wonder why they would even talk to me gosh.

Pretty? nope.

Slim? nope.

Attractive personality? hell no. 

[and yes mum, i get it, i’m fat. there’s no need to bring it up all the time by talking about it in public. way to knock my self confidence a peg down.] so yes, tis the season to be jolly but meh i’m feeling so blue. 

yes yes this is me being an overly emotional first world kid. 

She’s got a boyfriend anyway

I wiped my SD card from my old phone that I had back when I was in sec 2/3 and it was like taking a trip down the rabbit hole. The stuff I found on that memory card was so endearing yet unfamiliar, like an old friend that you once knew so well and then lost touch with. It was this whole whirlpool of anime and quotes. And it really hit me like a solid brick wall that I’ve changed A LOT over the past year. It was within this year that I had the crazy idea to purge myself from old ideas, that I wanted to recreate a brand new me. And I guess I somewhat accomplished it? It was the music, to start out with.. I varied my tastes in what I listened to, which is something that I used to refuse to do last time. Why? I have no idea why. Then after that….the weight loss. I kid you not, I used to have a permanent double chin. Okay, I’m still a ball of fat at this point, it’s a work in progress. And then anime, gosh I used to watch so much of it, and nowadays I can’t find the motivation to finish one episode. And the art. Or rather, lack thereof before this year. Then this year, suddenly I got into surrealist artwork. It doesn’t seem like a lot when I type it out, but it was all rather drastic phases at that point in time. When suddenly one day you wake up and you’re different. 

Sometimes I think to myself, would the old me have approved of the things that I am doing now? Looking at that SD card, I suddenly wonder if I would even care about the approval from someone like that. I mean, it was a fantastic few years being stuck in that paradigm, but I think, I wouldn’t want to go back to being that person ever again. 

Also, hyosung is super cute in Secret’s recent comeback. How to pretty omfg. 

6 Things I Learned My First Semester Of College

Thought Catalog

1. It’s OKAY to cry.

You will cry. Hard. You will cry in your cubby in the library, you will cry in your car, you will cry in your shower so your roommate doesn’t see you. Sometimes you may cry because of homesickness or bad grades, and sometimes you may cry for no reason at all. But it will happen, and when it does-let it. There is nothing better than shedding a few tears after a long day of classes and studying (while being hungover of course).

2. Not Everyone Was Raised the Same as You.

You will meet so many different kinds of people, from different places around the world. From different states, countries, cultures, religions, and lifestyles. Don’t expect everyone to be on the same page as you. Appreciate your background and learn to accept where others come from. Meeting new people and learning about others can be so beneficial…

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The Illusion of Self-Esteem

Thought Catalog

I was walking into my local taco joint for my weekly ritual of taking advantage of taco Tuesday before heading to night class. My Tuesday nights are always concluded with rock climbing, so I was in gym clothes, not trying to impress anyone at taco Tuesday, night class, or the rock climbing gym. As I walk up to the cashiers to claim my carry out, I hear a group of boys my age calling out, and quite conspicuously,

“Six…no, wait, seven!”
“No definitely a six.”
“Yeah, six.”

They were very obviously doing what many of us do, though I’d hope the majority is more discrete about it. They were rating a girl in the restaurant. I can say with almost complete certainty, based on timing and evident stares, that they were rating me. I was fuming. I was mortified. I was a whole host of negative emotions based on the…

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People Are Already Dead

Thought Catalog

I feel like there is band tightening around my head. It becomes tighter and tighter as I wake up for morning every day. I can’t seem to figure out what my problems are. I think people are generally already dead. I wonder how many people will attend my funeral.

I feel aimless. I feel hollow. There seems to be nothing left in me. I wonder about the countless bodies buried in cemeteries and the unmarked graves beyond forests and city lines. I go on dating websites, but despondency takes me away. I bury myself in a deep pool and wed myself to sorrow. It’s the only time I think about how human I am. I think about how fragile and poor we all are—especially me. I think
about the damning things I’ve said and the ill-judged actions…

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