They say the moment you “know” is when you stop making plans for the future, implying that you can no longer see it. For me, that moment never came. The future was there, I could see and taste it, but I wanted no part in it. That was my reality.
Making no plans would not have been out of the ordinary for me, as I was already living a shell of a life; leaving my cave on a strictly “need to” basis. I had truly given up. There was no point… to anything. Nothing brought me joy, even the things that used to.
“Toothache”, was what I told the doctor when I convinced her to prescribe me surgical pain killers. My ailment was not a lie, I was truly in pain at the time, but the medication would serve another purpose and soothe the pain that was my life.
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