What You Say In Job Interviews Vs. What You’re Truly Thinking

Thought Catalog

I hate job interviews more than anything else in the entire world. I’m bad at them. I get too nervous. And I’m at a place in life right now where I need a job so badly that I’m applying to jobs that I don’t give a shit about, so that’s where most of my apathy toward impressing corpsey-women in business suits comes from.

Forgive me if I’m not spewing enthusiasm over this ice cream parlor position, but I have cooler things to do, like, anything else besides this. Here are my top five stupid fucking interview questions that I’m tired of answering. (I’ll start wearing a sign with the answers printed in huge letters following the phrase, “JUST HIRE ME PLEASE? OK.”)

1. Tell me about yourself.

Reality: I’m perfect, thanks for asking!

Honesty: Well, the last year has been a complete mess, and now I’m here trying to get…

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