guys meet my latest man crush

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i don’t even remember the last time i fangirled over a western celebrity. but yes, he is good looking and talented as hell. that is all :D. going to meet mr yap for chem consultation tomorrow. hopefully i won’t feel like a lost duck :x.  i need to get back into the mood of jogging. I ran at a way faster pace then i usually would today so i am pretty proud of myself 😀 somehow I feel like I need to feel the pounding of my legs against the treadmill to feel satisfied. Why did the guy have to come into the gym halfway though. I was too awkward to continue working out so had to go home before i finished my routine zzz

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I must be having fun withdrawal symptoms. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve something fun. (okay actually the last fun thing i did was the b.a.p concert, but y’know what they say, the days feel long). Somehow I’m really stoked about the buffet on monday. Like even more excited than I usually am. I picked out my outfit choices waaay too early. Something’s just really appealing about monday. Maybe it’s the promise of good food, good company and a good time. Idk, I’ll probably treat it as my last goodbye to freedom before the hell that is the A levels sets in. Also, to the scarce people that read my blog (LOL IS THERE EVEN ANYONE) y’all should read lullaby by chuck palahniuk cos it is freaking awesome. I am so in love with it 

today was a good day. and I haven’t had one of those in a while. It actually seemed pretty normal, but today I felt lucky, and happy. First, I’ve finally gotten school out of my hair for a while (this whole term was hell), second, I finally got my IC back. third, I just bought a murakami book and gdi his writing is awesome. Maybe I actually like his non-fiction better than his fiction works, but then again I breezed through Norwegian wood. Idk why it seemed like today was a good day. it was pretty ordinary, but I suppose on a scale as compared to some of the really horrible days that I’ve had this year, my overall mood just felt a whole lot lighter? Maybe things are finally going to start picking up for me from now on 🙂

come to think of it, no, no i am not okay that you decided that i would be okay with being the only one in class who would receive a squeaky clean piece of paper. Really? you couldn’t even put in the effort to help me with that? everyone else were helping people who they weren’t even that close to pen it down and you couldn’t even lift your pen to help me? pfft. It’s a small issue but it just goes to show how much you really mean to people i suppose /shrugs/

wow it’s like the vapid disappointment just seems to follow me around everywhere I go eh? Today’s tests were horrible, and that’s an understatement. Right up till the last half and hour of the paper, I was still contemplating if I should change my topic. The words just weren’t flowing right, I wasn’t expressing myself like I wanted and well, I was basically putting up something that I wasn’t even remotely proud of. Gdi I was seriously considering just setting it aside and failing the paper in order to sleep for the rest of the exam. 

There’s only one more paper left for the term. I can do this. I will persevere through the crappiest thing in my life as of now- aka chemistry, and I’ll make myself proud. 

I wonder if in some way, the way that I started to act in year 3 and 4, being too timid to ask questions will ultimately hinder me in the long run. whether I will ever become comfortable with voicing what I think and not being afraid to make mistakes 

 

sometimes you just gotta slap a fake smile onto your face and soldier on. 

 

Been feeling so angsty recently.. it’s like all the bad news won’t stop coming. I’ve set myself goals for term 2 that I must achieve no matter what. I’ve even deleted the tumblr app on my phone just so that I won’t get sucked into that time vortex. Maybe I should delete my fic links as well… 

I was so sian yesterday that I kept snapping at everybody. I’m sorry shu chian it wasn’t your fault!! i was just feeling very crappy TT 

there’s this dread hanging over me everyday that I can’t get anywhere in the future and I’ll have to settle for some crappy life. Sigh. 

on that note, i shall go back to revising econs. I am determined not to disappoint myself any longer!

I’m selfish and stupid. I’m selfish enough to always want my friends to be there when I need them, to bend over backwards if I want them to, to place me before anyone else in their lives. And I’m stupid enough not to tell my friends that I treasure them so much, that I would literally crumble to the ground if they weren’t there. As much as I like my quiet time, but sometimes the silence gets too deafening and I need someone to fill in the gaps.

the chunk of words just came out of nowhere. This is probably me subconsciously trying to apologize about how crappy a friend  I have been, and probably will continue to be this year. 

So let me hold both your hands

in the holes of my sweather 

I can’t draw at all but I like to delude myself that I can, and I can’t write at all, but I like to think that i can come up with something whimsical and fancy when I feel like it. Maybe this is me sobering up, that I don’t really have a talent at all. But the feeling of holding onto a real pencil and watching the carbon transfer onto a piece of paper is kinda addicting, so I’m going to continue anyway, who cares if the end result is ugly. 

on another note, I am kinda excited for tomorrow, going to the lecture at smu after school. I may end up falling asleep, but it just seems like such a grown up place to be ( when I’m going to be somewhere like that next year what is my brain doing), and well, it’s in the town area, so it’s more classy then where we’re situated!

yeap, this week has been good so far. Let’s hope it continues. But tbh I think it’ll probably be ruined tomorrow when the papers are returned. I studied hard for these few tests, so I’m hoping it’ll be reflected in the marks. But knowing me, it probably won’t be. 

oh yes, and the random thought that my brain decided to pop out right when I was about to end off this post: people who have birthdays in the school term are so lucky gdi. Especially those at the start of the year. People tend to put in the effort, and do elaborate antics to make the person feel like the king/queen of the world. Me? a facebook notification would be a pleasant surprise. But then that’s just me feeling sorry for myself.

What am I writing. ugh whatever this blog is 90% incoherent anyway